Sarah Palin Can Kiss My Grits!

As featured on www.funnynotslutty.com (October 1, 2008)

Check this shit out.

After hours – hell, days – of “political” research, heated diatribes revolving around my Palinthetic conspiracy theory beliefs (read: truths), and nurturing my admitted obsession with the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, I have found a fascinating new comparison to thrust upon the world: Sarah Palin is Vera from the beloved 1970s sitcom “Alice”.

Not only does she bear an uncanny resemblance to the ever-popular character with her carefully orchestrated brunette bouffant, and vacant toothy grin, she possesses that delicious, intoxicating daffiness we embrace in today’s pop culture. Who doesn’t love comedienne Tina Fey’s portrayal of the Republican vixen, late-night talk show mockery of her existence and ideals, and her amazing ability to portray herself in an almost satirical fashion in media appearances?

Who doesn’t love this? Feminists. Radical right-winged feminists.

And, I ask you, what exactly defines a feminist?

I believe myself to be a strong example of the textbook liberal feminist, which is vastly different from our extremist set. From this point of view, I ask again, what defines a feminist? Is it the kind of person who fiercely stands behind someone unable to differentiate foreign policy from the hair in her asshole?

The Merriam-Webster definition of feminism:
Main Entry: fem·i·nism
Pronunciation: \fe-m-ni-zm\
Function: noun
Date: 1895
1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2 : organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests
— fem·i·nist \-nist\ noun or adjective
— fem·i·nis·tic \fe-m-nis-tik\ adjective

From my humble understanding, allow me to dissect this in one simple sentence: Feminism should support strong, intelligent women in their quest for equality to compete with, have the same opportunities, and same respect as men. It should not mean that a woman gets somewhere merely because she is a woman. It does not mean that just because she has tits and can cry “I am a feminist” she deserves to be placed in a position of power to prove a point…or…give someone else an opportunity to use her sexuality for their own benefit and/or gain.

Yes, from the beginning of time when the human species evolved (I won’t go into the “creationism” thing), and it was a woman’s place to pick berries with her naked boobs sagging to the ground and have babies, there has been a struggle for females to stand on the same ground as males. It’s a fact, and I don’t debate it. But, I’m sorry, the way to get to that Elysian plateau is not to move backwards in time, deny ourselves our own rights, or support one’s desire to assume a position of power – whether politically or otherwise – simply because of their sex. A person should be supported out of respect because they are informed, open-minded, honest, prepared, and most importantly, ready. Male or female. This, my friends, is what equality is about. Not trying to elevate someone because of gender or race.

It is important to admit I am suffering from a debilitating disease: Palinitis. I am obsessed. I find myself obsessing about what she stands for…politically. As a person, her life is her own business. Her beliefs are her own business. Her family life belongs to her. But when someone politically uses their beliefs as a strategy, compromises and judges my own ideals and the beliefs of others, I become passionately incensed.

She has no right glorifying her religious beliefs over the beliefs of others and isolating various segments of our society. She has no right wanting to move back in time with taking away a woman’s right to choose. She has no right to say a girl or woman who has been brutally raped by a stranger, family member, or otherwise, has no choice in how to handle the consequences. Sarah Palin – and anyone she is associated with in her run for office -- has no right to use her “hockey mom” claim to fame as a bullet point in why she would make a good leader. Hockey mom? Are you kidding me? She has no right to put my loved ones, the people of our country (and other countries for that matter), and me in harm’s way because she is uninformed. Her interviews so far seemingly lack the confidence a leader should have. If she can’t handle the media now, what’s going to happen as she becomes more deeply involved?

Sarah Palin’s goals are not driven by the fact she is a woman at all. I believe she pursues her political career because she is passionate about her politics and beliefs, and isn’t out to prove something just because of her sex. However, I do believe there are groups out there who use her sexuality as a tool, and who campaign to place the Palin/McCain (loved that one) ticket in office to prove a point by putting a woman into a historical role of leadership. No. Actually, I think it is more to use the promise of this historical role as a selling point. With this kind of thinking, we have a lot further to go in the world to achieve equality.

Palin may be driven, she may be intelligent, she may have come far in her political career – but how is she qualified at this point to be “a heartbeat away” from the presidency? Seriously, how can she ignore the outcry of many Americans and morally not step down for the good of our country? How can she be so selfish?

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008

She’s made history no matter how this turns out in the end. She is no doubt aggressive, strong, and unwavering with her beliefs. Despite this, I still believe it’s a shame that Ms. Vice Presidential candidate, and those who have placed her in this position of being completely exploited, have so far refused to truly hear the concerns that she simply is not ready to take on such a globally critical role. Sarah Palin is not ready, period. And she needs to get off the pot and out of the kitchen.